JUST...SO...CLOSE

Being so close to contentment is one of the greatest feelings I have had the opportunity to achieve. What’s even greater for me is experiencing that with the one I am in love with, who also used to love me in return.

Love, to me is unconditional. Love is not a word that should be thrown around when it isn’t meant. When you love someone, and you know in your gut that you love them, you share this with them. It’s reciprocated. You can never tell a person you love them enough. They just know it and feel it whether it’s said or not.

For me it’s important to get through obstacles with ones I love. Obstacles are inevitable. They happen through life for everyone. They happen with every relationship we encounter and the only thing we can do through them is search within ourselves by digging through the walls of bullshit. Gain self-control which takes time. 

Relationships with anyone I find are tricky. Sometimes it happens; you say or do something that goes against your better judgement. We are all criminal to this. Whose hands are you placing your heart into to decide what your ultimate punishment is…?

When two people part, for whatever reason, happiness, trust, honesty, structure… it can all be new again. Why? Because you both already hold the advantage of knowing the strengths and weaknesses each other possess. I would call this a pre-established connection based upon the foundation that originated right from the beginning.

People make mistakes – whether it be him or her, we all are victim to it. Question is… is it circumstantial rather than a personality trait?  

We have both caused enough pain in one another. I can say that I have fully examined what my own actions have been, what the causes were. They are simple, yet, very complex. I have taken time to gain answers for myself. Sometimes the “right” and “wrong” factors can blur my vision in times of desperately wanting something that will fulfill my own happiness in the end. And as a result, I just may screw something up. I think this is quite common in people. But… may I add that it’s fully important to consider the ones who will be directly involved in the final and complete outcome.

Without going through person trials, how can you possibly get a sence of what is really in your heart? Sometimes I believe it needs to be challenged by something triggered. You have to put your heart on the line and find out where it ends up.

For me, there have been enough trials and tribulations for me to discover that he is the one that I would gladly share in this life with.

Life is not a game. It’s also not a mistake either. Forgive, but don’t forget. Let go of the past heartaches and put forth full effort in being with the one you love without letting him or her go. Apologize and mean it. Admit your mistakes and regrets and actions and affirm your commitment to making good on past wrongs.

Accept that you will have to swallow some pride. Put your ego in check and put your heart back on the line if you are willing to make any progress. As much as I despise the word – EXPECT rejection. People get hurt through wrongful doings and it’s important to keep this in mind as it takes time for everyone differently to gain closure or heal from scars.

I do believe that if someone loves you enough - i mean, REALLY loves you, they will support in the ways needed to recover any tragedy.

True love is really a wonderful and selfless experience that endures all hardships. This kind of love is the kind we should aspire for, only all too often we settle for less than.

There is one thing I have not mastered when it comes to relationships - this being, the "push/pull" factor. Everyone acts and reacts differently and it's tough to read people sometimes. Especially when they are so scared and internalize their feelings. No matter how much love a person has for you or you have for them, you have to be able to make some changes within yourself to benefit the relationship as well.

This "push/pull factor" is much like magnets. Love creates the pain and pleasure as a force between two people much like the magnetic force between two objects. There is HUGE reasoning behind why magnets pull apart when they are opposed, and also why they are so attracted to one one another... There is an elaborate reasoning behind this, but at the end of the day, will anyone really understand why? No.

I've worked really hard to adjust my attitude and to equip myself with the right knowledge and tools to deal with situations. Im learning to lean and pull a little bit rather than push.

He calls himself "single" and there is nothing more in this world that hurts me internally to hear the words that I have pushed him toward.

The thing is, I am just not ready to put myself out there to declare myself as "single".
I don't want my lips to touch anyone else's. I don't want my brother to set me up with one of his work friends. I don't want anyone to touch me as its only my one and only I crave.  My heart, my ALL belongs to him.

At the end of the day, I don't wish to be with anyone but him. I want to marry this man. I want us to own the house we have been speaking of. I want to carry his child one day. I want to continue waking up to him in the morning with the pleasure of looking very much forward to laying our heads down at the end of the night.

I was just...so...close... to having the privilege, myself, of having this man beside me through this journey.

-Thank you for reading my thoughts.