Differently, we're all the same

All of us have our very own life experiences. More specifically, each of us undeniably face several unexpected struggles along our journeys. Although there may be some who are indifferent to the feelings inside them that tarnish as a result, leaving them to betray the best of their taught morals, the rest of us are left pondering. Struggling to identify with each traumatic episode that life throws at us, we have in common the efforts and time spent towards the victimized state, flattering our good nature while believing that we are special enough to be the only soul impacted by its specifics.

Hello to all my fans out there...

Lately I've been pondering on something...

Why people "block" others online. This could be with Facebook, email, telephone, Instagram... you name it, anyone can pretty much block anybody.

I'm certain that people have their legit personal reasons...

Personally I will block a person if they have different morals than mine and wish to take a massive discussion approach that is completely defensive not choosing in having a realistic debate on the chosen topic.

Besides this, I believe it's a pretty childish game. Welcome to different opinions and viewpoints I guess.

I can fully appreciate that if someone out there is bugging or harrassing you, then sure, you absolutely have the right to block someone.

See, if any of my readers have noticed, I have gone through a break-up with a dear loved one. He is this "type" of person to block me from EVERYTHING!

I have fully appreciated the randome ittelegent posts he would place on facebook and was quite intrigued and curious as to what he will come up with next. The same goes for Instagram (a location online for the world to share a vast amount of photographs.). I adore his photography. It's expressive, and although I don't read into his thoughts through the process of analizing the phots themselves, I have full appreciation for all types of photography.

Never would he hold a peice of art to ecpress with the world about a loved one, so it's not like he is intentionally attempting to keep his "love life" away from me.

I believe he is intentionally making the attmept to place the control into his own hands by simply showing me what he capable of taking away from me.

In my option, he has taking the most valuable thing - himself. As far as I'm concerened, everything else is all materialistic and really shouldn't bother me.

The very thing that bothers me is the fact that for someone such as himself, who wants no part of me - is making the best effort in keeping me far away. To me, that is much more effort one needs to place as he is doing the exact opposite of "cutting ties" with me. As long as he is blocking me from such things, he will carry himself with the reminder that he has me blocked and will forever be reminded of who I am and why he chose this to begin with.

Thank you for giving me strength

He may call me any name in the book he wishes to. Little does he know, through the ups and downs, through the lack of composure, through the multiple times he has turned his back on me - it was him that has given me the strength to let go.

As I thought we would have our final contact last week, I was ready to release. With discomfort, may I add. But in my heart I knew I needed to prepare myself for such a battle.

My heart grew weak and I surrendered to the power he had over me. Being his friend is not a regret. Not at all. In fact, I am fully intrigued with the power of his mind. But see, over time, I have learned his ways and how he copes - or lack of coping. I have learned how he lives for the past instead of gaining insight on the future. I have learned how he intentionally sinks into this hole of doubt and tries desperately to drag me down with him.

I thought I was the emotional one. When indeed, he lacks composure to maintain the "chin up" attitude about life to carry on without regret.

With his very lack of maintenance it has allowed me to seek further than where we stood today. His emotions crashed yet again this morning and this time I have refused to be part of it. I shall not let someone who cuts me down every second day dictate how I'm feeling or dictate the state of who I am.

I love who I am today and this has brought me to great heights to achieve many things awaiting for me in the near future.

I have a new job beginning at the end of this week. I will have a secured income with many people I come in contact with on a daily basis in which will disctract me from his neglegence.

I have found my place in this life - without him.

As he is waiting to hear back from a job interview to be transferred to Victoria, he said something to me the other day - "Why can't I just get away from you"? As if I'm an addicting drug or something.

As he was always so wrapped up in his own life, I have done my studies through this relationship to learn that I was simply a convenience for him. He didn't ever really want me fully as he was never in our relationship willing to give all that he has to give. This gives me much pleasure in knowing that he is not the one for me in any way. All of my new experiences with him have taught me that there is someone special out there just waiting for the special in me to give in return.

-Thank you for reading my thoughts.

Sweet Silver Lining

If anyone knows me well, they understand that I find it difficult to adapt to change. This doesn't necessarily mean I lose sight of myself and well being, but support is definitely required for me to follow a path of less destruction.  I have enough support to carry me through times of difficulty, but I mostly rely on myself to recover... Sometimes it's hard as things happen which are not under my control and I let them get the best of me. 

When I hit times such as these, I give myself time. Time is definitely needed when intensive thinking is involved. Patterns change and so does vulnerability. I hesitate being subjected to anything that could lead me astray and think I do a pretty good job resisting some temptations. 

Tomorrow shall be the beginning of my journey. My new path in life, if you will. This evening I have set as my deadline to finish gathering the appropriate thoughts needed for myself and I will find myself waking up to a whole new experience in the early hours of the morning. 
 

I'm excited for this adventure and wont look back. 
 

I don't believe in luck, I don't believe in wishes all that well either. I just believe in a well being to carry oneself through the joys this world has to offer. After all, the sweet silver lining does exist :)

He is being selfish in his thoughts and has so easily let me go. Its not my choice to be released to the other demons out there, but I know he has done so to pursue his own dreams by choosing this life without me. I wish him the very best in his quests and I shall maintain the best composure without him. Afterall, he is releasing me to others who will fully appreicate all that I have to offer.

Tomorrow... A new day, a new experience, a new adventure with everlasting joys to follow.

-Thank you for reading my thoughts. 

Poison and wine

I find it remarkable how music can alter our moods, or simply define perfectly how we are feeling in a specific moment. Music moves us and is such an important influence in my life. 

To me it's a form of communication with my own thoughts. 

There is this one particular song I have heard recently that describes just how I'm feeling at this moment and I wish to share with the world. It's called 

"Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars.

Here's the link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcHI2uNHrvQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

This song relays the brutally honest feelings about the dangerous and beautiful process of knowing and being known.

Two people who still love each other but don't want to, yet can't help themselves. With each line such as "Your mouth is Poison, your mouth is wine." Poison is deadly, so interpreting that would be something like words you say can hurt or even kill. 

"Your mouth is wine," on the other hand is like a sweet meaning... the things you say show me you care.

 

"Your hands can heal, Your hands can bruise" to me, means you love me in your way, yet you hurt me though you don't mean to. "You only know what I want you to" vs. "I know everything you don't want me to." They obviously are opposites and cancel each other out same with the line "I don't love you, but I always will." To me, that line means there are things you have done that make me not want to love you, but I can never stop loving you even if I tried. 

Perhaps it makes sense to me this way because it's something I've experienced myself: being with someone who obviously loves me and I love him, but he hurts me even though he doesn't mean to and is genuinely sorry, and I do the same to him. I will always love this person (which is the wine), but for the sake of loving him and wanting to do right by him, I feel I shouldn't love him at all (which is the poison).

This song expresses the confusion of love in a unique, deeply tied relationship between a man and woman. They both cannot live without eachother, yet a barrier stands in the way of a perfect relationship. Their intense feelings for one another are mutual, yet both hide how truly of a deep connection is felt. Both with knowledge of how easily one will hurt the other, submission stays underneath, therefore causing reluctance to admit their true love for the other.

Poison & Wine is a musical snapshot about the dichotomy of love - that while it can be the thing that destroys you, it can also be the very same thing that beckons and builds you. ... The longer you know someone - and the longer you allow someone to know you - the more the light and shadows inside each person become more vivid.

Challenge the resistance

Everyone is the hindered of their own well being. We seem to be in the habit of blaming our circumstances and people around us for the undesirable life situation we exist in. 

In my opinion the only reason for our suffering is our own resistance to the flow of life which is trying to bring forth the manifestation of all our desires. 

I really don't think that fear and suffering are unnatural states which are not to the very nature of our "being" that we are in essence. 

We need to stop seeking our own experiences as well as others as a form to interpret how we're feeling. At the end of the day, it's ultimately our own conscience that allows us to truly find how happy we can be. Our conscience gives us the true sense of power to have the awareness to carry on without doubt.

If we don't live the reality that we desire most, I believe it's simply because we are resisting it through our internal limiting beliefs.

We can dwell on our negative experiences, negative thoughts... This shall only give rise to the negative emotions which follow. 

It's all by choice! To locate those positive beliefs and to push forward. 

Sure, we can't kill our mind by force... Who would want to do that anyway...? The mind dies its own death by the poison of disassociation. Our minds are like the Google search engine... Trying to predict everything and anything based on the data it's collected so far. 

I have had many ups and downs... It doesn't ever mean that these circumstances will be repeated. So why should I dwell on them so much? I don't think worrying about the past should bring us misery for today or tomorrow.

We need to let everything go and live for now... This very moment. We need to begin unraveling the limits for ourselves. 

It's such a long journey and we are only wasting time attempting to analyze how we go about our next adventures. 

Get over it all and start living! 

We can simply define ourselves with the past experiences we have belonged in... But that doesn't define you. What defines you... Is you... Today! If we continue to live by what we have learned, we are simply limiting ourselves to the freedom that is currently at our fingertips.

Don't wake up tomorrow reminiscing on today. And certainly don't do anything today that will bring you those thoughts when the sun rises in the morning. It's just that simple. 

My life has been hanging on many thoughts. I'm ready to carry on and I'm not afraid to survive knowing its because yesterday can't be changed...

"My chains break lose, my roots let go and I fly away as a surrounded flow. My vibes fill my void, they ground my heart and take me to new heights. Like a bear, that carries my soul, on a mountain, my house lays there to gaze upon the world, stretching my arms and I let go. A villa by a fountain, a child that smiles for miles to find her escape, to run and dive, to sing and cry, to colour her mouth and sing her song ready to be sunk by her song that she willingly adores...virtually here, my pieces collide, my parts ignite, this vibrance, this intoxication, whole as I allow the slave of myself to take on this world." ~Kristy

-Thank you for reading my thoughts.

... Reasoning

I can bring myself back to when the vision of loving him became more clear. I can remember the sight with clarity - the dynamic of love beginning between us. It was exciting for me to learn who he was and exploring how we mesh. The fascinating memory I have with this particular relationship is that there was no "honeymoon stage". We were very respective of one another to say for the most part. We maintained a great amount of psychological space that was required to continue the freedom in each of our lives. We were able to explore our own worlds with enough space from one another and having the assurance that the other was just close enough as a resource for those times of stress. 

We had security, we had fun. We created many memories and firsts that could never be duplicated.

I finally felt part of something that was larger than just me in this life.

I have to say that I'm pretty selfish in this life of mine. However, with him, I had this strange tendency to adapt to the requirements needed of me to be part of such a growing relationship. It all seemed so easy. So simple, pure and... Perfect, if I must say. 

I can't say that he MADE me happy. Although, I CAN say that being so connected to him allowed me to also connect better with all the positive feelings within me a whole lot more than before him. Being with him allowed me to have a better connection with my inner strength and as a result allowed me to have a comfortable focus in life with a sense of belonging. There aren't many people in this world that I could say I'm comfortable to be around and comfortable having on my mind from the moment I wake up in the morning. He was it. He made everything better. 

Not everything was all peaches and cream. We had our bouts of struggles - as anticipated, I'm sure. Through our own personal struggles as well as the ones between us, we certainly weren't surprised that we were comfortable in each others arms again with the embrace that was never lost to begin with. We would be half way to giving up... Then didn't. 

It's foolish to go through struggles and not take a step back or walk away with the intent to gain composure. As many times as we "walked away", the result was acknowledgement of where the other person came from to begin with. Although in the moment it can tear us up inside, we fixed it. And we fixed with with the strength from us both. It always took the initiation from one or both sides.

Locating that happiness within yourself is important when you're with someone is definitely crucial for long term success. It's essential for BOTH partners to gain that happiness which requires BOTH individuals to apply the effort... 100% on each side. 

And I know that this process requires communication, honesty and having support from one another. The remaining factors that are essential in a relationship shall follow. 

We both have done wrong and there are two ways we can go with it... We can grow what was beautiful to begin with by showing compassion to each others flaws. As we all suffer when it comes to things ventured and not gained or pain inflicted by someone... we always have to be the first to recognize these things with the one we love. We have to support all the way to overcome the feeling of pain or suffering. And overcoming any pain or suffering is a happy and positive outcome in my personal opinion. 

Being honest is respectful with the other person although any consequences may surface, at least honesty leads to the truth. Forgiveness may not come immediately. 

I would much rather continue this journey created by us with him rather than without him. We have had many ups and downs and to this very day we have seen our "blind spots". There is so much learning that never stops. 

We have become more strong in our communication with one another and have fallen to being vaulerable to each other.  We have come to the point of understanding what could make or break us. We have the acknowledgement of each others scars and are aware of the triggers that bring us to hurtful feelings. To me, this is the point where we continue this adventure together with what we have learned about one another and be happy together. 

This is another chapter in our lives and I'm not ready to put this book down just yet.

As I have said, Any relationship takes 2 to apply 100%... EACH. This is one man I am ready and willing to apply that 100% and continue until I have to be even more patient. 

I see his face and I adore the smile that lights up the room I'm in. His eyes are such a window to a never ending adventure I'm learning about him... They are beautiful! The warmth of his body transfers so much energy to mine and I melt when I feel his touch. His voice is a magical sound I look very much forward to hearing when he speaks. 

He laughs at my stupid jokes and places me on a pedestal when I do right. He looks at me and tells me how beautiful me eyes are... He is so genuine when he says this like it's the pot of gold he has captured at the end of a rainbow... I have never had someone locate the true beauty in me as he has. 

I believe the beginning or continuation of our relationship requires both of us to be transparent with ourselves and to one another. I have put my intentions on the table and shall continue to do so. I shall be patiently waiting for him to open up and be responsive. 

I do believe that when you have something beautiful, hold onto it and treat it with respect. Nurture it because if you don't, it will become someone else's treasure. 

-Thank you for reading my thoughts.

Does he love me, or love me not...?

I only thought about him once today... Yep! He came across my thoughts and I haven't stopped thinking about him since. I'm stuck in a place of placing myself on a plank... Either I step back and save myself to see where this life takes me or take the plunge with the unknown of where I end up.

Going through a break-up has got to be one of the hardest things to encounter I believe. I mean, one minute your world as you know it has structure. It has daily activities you can count on with someone so very special by your side. Your heart is complete... Content, if you will. Our hearts want guarantees... Of a secure promise. We mistakingly think that if our love really understood us, then they would agree with us on everything. Having a relationship is about finding common ground. It's about listening and understanding the other person. It's not about "making"the other person understand you.

Only once in your life I believe you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you would never tell another and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear and learn more. You share hopes for the future, you speak of dreams that may or may not come true for your future together. Goals that were never achieved and support in the ones that will be. We share many disappointments that have come to us allowing to gain some closer by having that special person by your side. When something wonderful happens you are impatient to share with that person to share in your excitement. They aren't embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurt or laugh with you when you make a complete fool of yourself.

Never do they make you feel like you're not good enough, but rather build you up and show you the things that make you feel more beautiful and special.  There is no pressure, jealousy or competition but only a calmness  when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. They bring the very best out of you.

Love is probably one of the stongest words I can think of in any language that continues to live today. Love is such a feeling that can make or destroy you. It can bring out the very best in you or it can have the exact opposite effect.

I have to say that I'm happy to know the amount of pleasure as well as pain I felt in this recent relationship.

JUST...SO...CLOSE

Being so close to contentment is one of the greatest feelings I have had the opportunity to achieve. What’s even greater for me is experiencing that with the one I am in love with, who also used to love me in return.

Love, to me is unconditional. Love is not a word that should be thrown around when it isn’t meant. When you love someone, and you know in your gut that you love them, you share this with them. It’s reciprocated. You can never tell a person you love them enough. They just know it and feel it whether it’s said or not.

For me it’s important to get through obstacles with ones I love. Obstacles are inevitable. They happen through life for everyone. They happen with every relationship we encounter and the only thing we can do through them is search within ourselves by digging through the walls of bullshit. Gain self-control which takes time. 

Relationships with anyone I find are tricky. Sometimes it happens; you say or do something that goes against your better judgement. We are all criminal to this. Whose hands are you placing your heart into to decide what your ultimate punishment is…?

When two people part, for whatever reason, happiness, trust, honesty, structure… it can all be new again. Why? Because you both already hold the advantage of knowing the strengths and weaknesses each other possess. I would call this a pre-established connection based upon the foundation that originated right from the beginning.

People make mistakes – whether it be him or her, we all are victim to it. Question is… is it circumstantial rather than a personality trait?  

We have both caused enough pain in one another. I can say that I have fully examined what my own actions have been, what the causes were. They are simple, yet, very complex. I have taken time to gain answers for myself. Sometimes the “right” and “wrong” factors can blur my vision in times of desperately wanting something that will fulfill my own happiness in the end. And as a result, I just may screw something up. I think this is quite common in people. But… may I add that it’s fully important to consider the ones who will be directly involved in the final and complete outcome.

Without going through person trials, how can you possibly get a sence of what is really in your heart? Sometimes I believe it needs to be challenged by something triggered. You have to put your heart on the line and find out where it ends up.

For me, there have been enough trials and tribulations for me to discover that he is the one that I would gladly share in this life with.

Life is not a game. It’s also not a mistake either. Forgive, but don’t forget. Let go of the past heartaches and put forth full effort in being with the one you love without letting him or her go. Apologize and mean it. Admit your mistakes and regrets and actions and affirm your commitment to making good on past wrongs.

Accept that you will have to swallow some pride. Put your ego in check and put your heart back on the line if you are willing to make any progress. As much as I despise the word – EXPECT rejection. People get hurt through wrongful doings and it’s important to keep this in mind as it takes time for everyone differently to gain closure or heal from scars.

I do believe that if someone loves you enough - i mean, REALLY loves you, they will support in the ways needed to recover any tragedy.

True love is really a wonderful and selfless experience that endures all hardships. This kind of love is the kind we should aspire for, only all too often we settle for less than.

There is one thing I have not mastered when it comes to relationships - this being, the "push/pull" factor. Everyone acts and reacts differently and it's tough to read people sometimes. Especially when they are so scared and internalize their feelings. No matter how much love a person has for you or you have for them, you have to be able to make some changes within yourself to benefit the relationship as well.

This "push/pull factor" is much like magnets. Love creates the pain and pleasure as a force between two people much like the magnetic force between two objects. There is HUGE reasoning behind why magnets pull apart when they are opposed, and also why they are so attracted to one one another... There is an elaborate reasoning behind this, but at the end of the day, will anyone really understand why? No.

I've worked really hard to adjust my attitude and to equip myself with the right knowledge and tools to deal with situations. Im learning to lean and pull a little bit rather than push.

He calls himself "single" and there is nothing more in this world that hurts me internally to hear the words that I have pushed him toward.

The thing is, I am just not ready to put myself out there to declare myself as "single".
I don't want my lips to touch anyone else's. I don't want my brother to set me up with one of his work friends. I don't want anyone to touch me as its only my one and only I crave.  My heart, my ALL belongs to him.

At the end of the day, I don't wish to be with anyone but him. I want to marry this man. I want us to own the house we have been speaking of. I want to carry his child one day. I want to continue waking up to him in the morning with the pleasure of looking very much forward to laying our heads down at the end of the night.

I was just...so...close... to having the privilege, myself, of having this man beside me through this journey.

-Thank you for reading my thoughts.

A Girl Can Have It All

That is, if the appropriate thinking and involvement is put through with only the best of efforts.

All people want to be happy – to be exhilarated with joy, to feel good and to be on top of everything.  Personally I have achieved this many times in my life. I have also been devastated with high hopes to realize I was on the wrong path. I made changes in my life and choices to overcome the beat down feeling that I would experience over the years.

We all have influences daily, and most of us don’t even realize this, although the majority of us seek our very own peers for support. As we carry ourselves through life, we typically call on a friend to seek advice. We simply don’t realize that at that time we are falling under the influence of others ideas, experiences… etc…  We have good influences and bad ones. The difference between negative and positive influence – is simply the outcome. How else are we to properly judge if they have our very own best interest at heart…? Rarely do we consider that the ones we choose to call on for help are the ones who have generated negative situations in their own life with problems. These are the influences we are falling into.

I have recently fallen into this trap of allowing a dear friend to guide me based on her own experiences. Without divulging details, the choice of mine was indeed wrong to (1) – involve someone in an intimate detail in my own personal life when I should have rather consulted the one directly impacted. (2)… to follow the guidance of someone who experienced a negative situation and (3) – to follow suit with the expectation that there would be a positive outcome from this choice of mine.

I have learned my lesson.

Only recently can I say that I am a very selective individual of those I choose to surround myself with. I choose to spend my time with people who appreciate me. I now spend a lot less time with individuals who do the very opposite…  It’s that simple!

In my opinion I have realised how difficult it is to prove originality to exist as we all fall under the simple entrapment of influences that surround us on a daily basis. With this must come a good search of self-dignity, self-assurance, self-seeking advice and self-direction.

I carry myself with the ambition to die of exhaustion rather than illness or boredom and shall not seek the advice of others to make my choices in life. Only then am I willing to take full accountability that I am living under my very own standards.

So yes, a girl can indeed, can have it all.

 

-Thank you for reading my thoughts.

 

We know more now than we did yesterday. We will know more tomorrow than we do today. The learning is endless as we know it. And just when the newest of my blogs begin, I digress.
This is now my queue to swallow my pride and tell the world that I don't know everything. I like to carry myself with confidence that I just may have the answer to any question that comes my way.

First of all, I'm not perfect.
Definition of "perfect"... Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.

As I am raising a fifteen year old, I don't know my ass from my elbow when it comes to this. This above all things is the scariest thing I have ever done in my life! I mean, seriously... Someone else's life is in my control. Control that I am now realizing that I really didn't have to begin with! I have been raising someone that would enevidably be challenging my every word, every action, every thought to the word "life". Although times will continue to be struggling, this moment in my life is when I am most proud. I have raised a beautiful boy who is now challenging me. It's almost like challenging yourself, from a different angle. He has my mannerism, my belief's, my intellect (I would like to think :) ) At the end of the day, it's quite flattering to know that he has taken all that he has learned from me and turned it into a game of life to challenge the one who has taught him. As I am continuing to grow, he will be defeated and will continue to learn from me until he knows his very own strength to challenge someone who is continuing to teach him. But not all is lost for him yet. He will, one day, begin to grow into his own ideals, his own beliefs, his own person. At that time I will know when he comes to me to challenge something of his own nature and have me puzzled.

Thank you for reading my thoughts.